I really hate stupid email forwards, so it was pretty ironic the funniest criticism of that came in an email forward. The author is supposedly Scott Adams of Dilbert fame.
I recently received your chain letter. Over 1000 people have sent me chain letters, and every one of them has died within six months, probably from the “Chain Letter Sender’sCurse.” You will probably die soon if you experience any of the following symptoms:
1) Tiredness at bedtime,
2) Hunger just before lunch,
3) Inability to remember your license plate number, or
THE SEVEN BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
CHAIN LETTER TYPE 1: (scroll down)
Make a wish!!!
Really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please…. They’ll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you moron!!!
Something else! Quick!!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
Wasn’t that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be attacked by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It’s true! Because, you know, THIS letter isn’tlike all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here’s how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*5-10 people: 5-10 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*10-20 people: 10-20 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*20 to 674,951 people: 20 to 674, 951 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
CHAIN LETTER TYPE 2:
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this
on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.
Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So
go on, reach out.
Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder – if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
CHAIN LETTER TYPE 3:
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8-year-olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works.
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
STUPID HORROR STORY #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
STUPID HORROR STORY #2
Dexter Bip, a 13-year-old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his girlfriend. They both died. Their
families were so upset that everyone related to them (even by marriage) went crazy and spent the rest of their miserable lives in an
institution. This Could Happen To You!!!
Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be OK.
CHAIN LETTER TYPE 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of
A friend is someone who is always at
A friend is someone who likes you even
though you smell like ****
A friend is someone who likes you even
though you’re disgustingly ugly
A friend is someone who cleans up for
you after you’ve soiled yourself
A friend is someone who stays with you
all night while you cry about
your loser life
A friend is someone who pretends they
like you when they really think
you should be attacked by a mad goat
and then thrown in a pile of
A friend is not someone who sends you
chain letters because he wants
his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don’t, you’ll be eaten by wild goats.
CHAIN LETTER TYPE 5:
This e-mail is wicked-cool! It was started by Microsoft to test its e-mail tracking system because, you know, a big high-tech company like Microsoft always sends important new software out over the Internet to be available to any moron who can operate a computer, right? Plus, they have formed a secret merger with Disney Corp., who has agreed to give up millions of dollars in revenue by giving everyone who reads this e-mail, passes it on, looks at it, knows someone that looked at it, or is related to someone who is a friend of someone who looks at it A FREE, ALL-EXPENSES-PAID TRIP to Disneyland,
DisneyWorld, or EuroDisney!
So pass this on to everyone you know that is gullible enough to believe
this (or not)! Even if it’s not true, hey insulting all of your friends by implying that they are gullible by sending this to them is worth the improbable chance that you could go to Disneyland! Even if you lose all of your friends because they are tired of receiving this kind of junk from you, it’s worth the chance,
right? And just for good measure, if you don’t send this on, Microsoft will
send its specially trained attack-goats to pilfer your house and eat all of your family.
SO SEND IT ON!!!!!
CHAIN LETTER TYPE 6:
If you receive an email entitled “Badtimes,” delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It
reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play. It will
re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone AutoDial to call only your mother-in-law’s number.
So be careful! Forward this to all of your friends, relatives, neighbors, family, enemies, plumbers, garbagemen, stock brokers, doctors, and any other acquaintances! It’s for their own good! FWD ON! Thank You.
CHAIN LETTER TYPE 7:
Here is a cute picture I drew.
( \ / )
( \ / )
( /<\ )
( / \/ \ )
/ \ __
It is a decapitated angel. Send it on to all of your friends so it will brighten their day like it did yours! If you don’t, demon-possessed goats will move i
nto your house and eat all of your socks, leading you to believe that something is wrong
with your washing machine because all of your socks keep disappearing. Have
a nice day!!!
There. Now that we’ve covered and dumped on the seven main types of chain letters, on to the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If you don’t think it was funny at all, don’t bother, but otherwise forward this
to everyone you know!! If you don’t, I don’t care, but why not show this around? Take two minutes and forward it.
Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it. If it’s a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it’s gonna make people feel guilty (i.e., the goatless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of *****) just delete it.
Do yourself (and everyone else in the world) a favor, and say, “DEATH TO CHAIN LETTERS!!”