That, is what summarizes my SAT Reasoning Test result. The preliminary results are out today, and I’ve got 2030. Yup. That’s the score. Detailed report will be up on 2nd June, but that doesn’t change anything, does it? Oh, and BTW, Rach, who’d also given the test, scored 1990.
It’s not exactly the MIT-style score, and I never expected it anyway; because in home tests my highest had been around 2290. Still, there’s a big difference between This and That. Big difference. It’s good enough (I hope…) for something like Boston University and University of Miami, and maybe a chance for University of California, Berkeley. And others which don’t require SAT II are pretty much secure for me. Can’t say much without my SAT II scores, but this was a sort of jolt, because I did expect something in the high 2100s at the least. Rach’s already suggesting that I did the same mistake as I did in the Kaplan sample paper – making an error and shifting the answers one bubble too early. Maybe. Or maybe I was pathetically pathetic.
Of late, I have found that miserable feeling that creeps up your neck when you’ve utterly screwed up something comes a tad too often. It seems as if I’ve lost that drive, that enthusiasm I had earlier. I could put in loads of hours when I needed it, and get that odd good national rank in the odd Olympiad or two until about last year. And then, the staggering immensity of human genius hit me like a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster (which, feels like being mugged by a lemon wrapped around a large gold brick) when I came to my new school. Only about 50 people make it through per year say to the IITs from our school, and yet, almost every bloody student in the top 3 science sections is bloody brilliant. It scares me, and it makes me want to give up. When I look at those kids from section A, who study for nothing but their VMC classes, and those in our section who don’t study for school and spend the whole day solving packages at the back (yes, backbenchers in our section are the ones who study), it gives a real bad sense that “I’m not gonna make it in front of THESE (VMC) folks.” It’s something like being like an ostrich – till the time you don’t come face to face with others, you have a gala time slogging and enjoy those stupid ranks; and as soon as you lift your face out it drains your confidence out faster than the rate at which auto-rickshaw meters tick up numbers in Delhi.
And I may sound pretty amused right now, but despite any attempt at being funny, I seriously haven’t been in a good mood for the past few weeks. An overwhelming feeling of “Why bother even trying!” has been enveloping me. My last module test results terrible (don’t even think of asking), and yet, I’d solved many more questions than I had marked. Why didn’t I mark them? Because they were marginally tougher, and I didn’t have the confidence that I’d solved them correctly. In retrospect, it’d have boosted my score. I didn’t mark those, and went ahead and marked easier ones I was less sure of, because they were easy. I know it’s not an excuse, I’m not offering one, and I understand very well that I should be the one who knows what to do in a paper; and the sort of thing I just said is exactly what people who want to give a miserable excuse keep on saying.
I understand that the rope is slipping, but somehow in the face of my peers, and there are more I know from other schools too, I’ve locked up. I know that I’m acting like a rabbit on highway – sitting still and staring at the approaching headlights, thinking that that will help me out of the situation. Of course, it doesn’t. Somehow though, the odds of 80 people for every 1 seat have started to appear too odd to make through. It’s the very same feeling of despair that gripped me two months before my class X Boards (when I found out that I’d missed out [almost] everything at school because of competitions), except that that feeling of despair and helplessness is much stronger now. Somehow, somewhere, sometime, the slide has begun…and I simply don’t know what to do about it…