Do you know how cheetahs hunt antelopes?
From what I gather, here’s how cheetahs hunt. So they’re sitting in this African jungle and all, right?
Well the first thing they do is that whenever they feel hungry, they either contact a viral marketing agency, or the more entrepreneurial cheetahs, start their own viral marketing agency. This is the first step of the hunt.
It is an important step also because Africa being poor and all, they cannot afford to buy Mountain Dew themselves. So the cheetahs need sponsorship in cash or kind for Pepsi Co, each time they feel hungry.
* Mountain Dew can be switched for Red Bull.
** Red Bull spends more these days.
So anyway, they get these energy drinks, right? The cheetahs now have a cooler box filled with Mountain Dew / Red Bull. Are you following me so far? The cheetahs pitch the thing brilliantly, because their hunt is good demonstration for the energy drink companies. But, you must be asking, “Why do the companies sponsor them hunt after hunt? Doesn’t it get old?!”
It is a bit like how the energy drink and sporting apparel companies have sponsored snow sports, BMX bike competitions, motor sports etc for decades. For instance, as shown in this video.
But…every now and then…there are rumours…
Now, these are rumours only, so you shouldn’t pay much importance to them…
…but…word on the street is, the CEO of Eveready Batteries likes to fuck cheetahs and cheetah sex trade is part of the whole sponsorship deal these drinks companies have. Personally, I think these are just nasty rumours. But who knows. My job is to only give full account. The cheetah-energy drink-Eveready battery cartel is very powerful, according to the rumours. Very powerful because of constant supply of free energy drinks, makes their hitmen wired and on edge all the time.
There was this one reporter though…
You don’t want to know how he died. It was nasty…
Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.
He was found dead in his apartment. You know that sometimes when you have a stomach operation, doctors shove a camera connected with fibre optic cables down your throat to the stomach to get a video feed to see what exactly is wrong in your stomach?
So…apparently…the hitmen sent to deal with this reporter used a modified version of this apparatus with claws at the end to latch on to the reporter’s stomach, and ripped out his stomach through his own throat. While he was alive. The stomach lining ruptured on its way up his throat and the stomach acid ate away part of the torso too (and the linoleum floor in his apartment). Bones, reduced to ashes at the places where the stomach acid attacked. The police closed the case as a cold case file. Said it was suicide and that the reporter was mentally troubled because he had lost heavily at gambling but nobody believes that story.
The reporter was working undercover as a gamekeeper in Africa. He had barely scratched the surface, but from what has been pieced together from his notes left at work (all documents from his house were missing), he found that female cheetahs, as young as a few months old, were being sedated and shipped as stuffed toy animals to India. A constant supply was needed because the Eveready CEO who’s into this thing likes to slit the throat of the cheetah when he climaxes. And he includes subliminal messages on all batteries his company sells, by having the logo as a cheetah jumping through hoops.
Haven’t you, deep down, ever felt the urge to fuck a cheetah when say on family vacations you bought Eveready batteries for your camera? It’s all because of the subliminal messaging.
So anyway, back to the hunt. The cheetahs get the drinks, but they don’t start hunting right away. There’s almost a ritualistic way they go about it. They sit around a campfire, eating ceremonial giraffe sandwiches brought to them by their women, laughing and drinking energy drinks…it’s almost a bacchanal atmosphere. But in their mind, they are filled with fear too, before every hunt.
They are filled with fear because they know that as dawn comes, they will be hunting antelopes. Don’t even, for a single moment, think that is not dangerous. The defining characteristic of life is that it wants to live. You might think antelopes are meek animals only. But no. A cornered animal is a dangerous animal, and antelopes use their antlers to good use. You never see this on Discovery Channel but there are times when antelopes have gored cheetahs to death.
So, are you following me so far? The cheetahs are sitting around a fire, their wimmin are bringing them ceremonial giraffe sandwiches, and they’re all drinking energy drinks.
The hunt begins. Again, it is almost ritualistic. High on caffeine and war whoops, they leave their territory and head towards the antelopes. They lead themselves out of their den in a conga line, by latching on the tail of the cheetah in front of them, while Ride of the Valkyries plays in the background.
They scope out the territory. The best place for attack is near streams, where the antelopes go for a drink of water / sandaas at dawn.
The cheetahs scope out the pack. They flick their heads at each other, giving scores out of 10 and saying things to each other like “Check out that ass. [head flick]” “Nice”
See, the rump of an antelope has the best meat. Cheetahs want to bite into that juicy bottom. Cheetahs have a very confused sexuality. They cannot distinguish what they really mean when talking about meat. But, the ones they rate the highest are not usually what they kill. They kill the weakest ones.
Imagine, now, that you are an antelope. Can you try that?
So you are an antelope. And you’ve just woken up, not chewed your morning ration of coffee beans yet, just doing sandaas and all, trying to find where the nearest non-poison ivy leaf is so that you can wipe your bottom. You’re still groggy. Suddenly, you hear this grunt out of nowhere and antelopes around you start showing. Someone shouts that there’s a cheetah attack in progress. Well, whaddaya do?! Do you run? Do you even try to finish your sandaas? Screw dignity. Dignity is a bitch anyway. You start running, jostling in the herd, ashamed that you’re still shitting.
Then, you feel something clamp around you neck. Your spine snaps. Your body goes limp…wait…you cannot FEEL your body. The only sensation left is in your head. You taste blood in your mouth. You pray for a quick death. Unfortunately, for you, it is not over.
Your vision is hazy. You can make out that you’re being dragged, dragged to that part of the plains you never go to.
You try to remember what the last thing you said to your kids was.
The cheetahs bring the antelope to their camp. It was an easy kill. Only a 5 on the rating scale, but hey, food is food.
They slap the butt of the antelope around, cracking open more drinks and laughing. Then, they piss on the antelope. To humiliate it before it dies. It’s all very fucked up. Kill it. And eat it.