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The Shakespeareans : Part 1

By on Jan 29, 2007 in ffutS evitaerC | 2 comments

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This is a spoof on our annual day video efforts Rach came up with, and I really liked it, so this is being published now. He’s already bored, so I’m going to continue the narrative (which means, you needn’t come back again)…


Conspired by true events.

It was already time for the Royal Ball. And, King Viktor the Miserly, wasn’t feeling all that good about it. Last time, he had had professionals from another kingdom – Kinraland – make a moving picture on him. This year, he WANTED a better moving picture, but wars were a frequent feature of his year, and this year, he decided to attack Kinraland to extract revenge for the crappie movie they had made. Rather foolish. In hindsight, he felt the same way.
“Damneth it!! I’ll geteth people from my own kingdom to maketh the damneth movie!!” he finally cried out in disgust.
Queen Radha the Raucous just nodded and left to look for the correct people.


Andy the utility man had had a tough last year. He had been engrossed in so many activities for the kingdom that he had more or less forgotten how to do his own job. He was feeling pretty sorry, and with the yearly tax due next month, he had no idea how he’d manage to get the money to pay it. So, on the day of the dawn of the New Year, he decided that he’d concentrate only on how to pay off his tax, and not on anything else.
It was as he was getting down to ‘work’, that he heard the tap-tap of horseshoes and looked up to see a royal guard get down from a royal horse in royal fashion.
“It is desired of you that you lead a team of the finest young men from this kingdom to make a moving picture on His Royal Highness King Viktor the Miserly and his beloved kingdom. You are free to choose your men. You will be granted exemption from the monthly tax regime, which is to be introduced from this month, for a total of 1 months. You will be expelled from this kingdom if you say no.”
“What about the yearly tax? Will I have to pay it?”
“You will.”
And the guard left, leaving a royal trail of royal dust behind him.
It was with a sinking feeling that Andy realized that he would have to work for the kingdom. Again. Without pay. Again.


Being the king’s jester isn’t an easy job. Especially when one has bigger plans for oneself. Like migrating to Holy Wood and becoming a part of the moving picture industry. But, for now, Ross was stuck in Dipsville under King Viktor. He had thought about leaving the kingdom, but had to abandon the idea because his parents wouldn’t let him leave a safe job for something as unpredictable as the moving picture industry. Or at least, HE thought that they wouldn’t let him.
A few other people knew of his ambitious ambitions. And, one of them was Andy.
“I need you to work with me on a moving picture about His Royal Miserliness and his crappie kingdom.”
Ross turned around to see Andy walk in through the flap of his tent.
“AWEsome!!! Real work. But why him? Why not something better like ripping off a Holy Wood moving picture?”
“You don’t get it, do you? I’ve been contacted by the miser himself. And, we HAVE to work on it,” he said with half a grin and half a grimace on his face. Working with Ross could really be a pain in the backside. But, he needed him on the team.
“Whatever. How much time do we get?” Ross asked rather seriously, for the first time in his life.
“Two weeks.”


Enrique had just shifted to Dipsville. And, already, he had earned a reputation for being a chatter box. And, a rather irritating one at that. But, he was unmatched in his field of work. What that was, nobody knew. But, everybody had heard it from him.
Andy, for no apparent reason, took this character onto the team too. Asked later, his answer was that Enrique was on the team for ‘creative inputs’.
So, that was supposed to have been the team. Except for one sneaky little creature who saw Andy leaving Enrique’s hut. He tagged along, all the while listening to the conversation, between the three ‘Shakespeareans’.
What he gathered from it left him completely addicted to the whole thing.
It was at that precise moment that Boris, for that was his name, stepped on a twig and the snap which resulted rattled everyone in the not so near vicinity.
Andy turned around and saw the sheepish grin on Boris’ face. The whole truth dawned on him, and instead of being angry, he was happy to see that lean figure. For, Boris had a thing with machines and could prove to be quite useful in accomplishing the mammoth task before them.
So it was this band of merry men that set out to make a moving picture better than the last one. They had no idea how they were going to do that, but with stout hearts and focused minds, they were sure that they were going to do it.


“Good morning. I am Sahara the Gentle, and this is Priscilla the Correct. We will act as liaisons between you and Her Royal Highness. This,” said the fair lady pointing towards a strange contraption “is your recording device.”
Andy’s face contorted into a revolting piece of clay.
“And, this will be your editing machine,” she said pointing towards a gigantic analytical engine.
“WOW!!! It’s the latest in analyting. It’s the all new Compact 7890 with the revolutionary…”
“Yeah. I think we get your point. But, I wanted a Mach. It’s much better,” said Enrique, cutting Boris in mid-flight.
“Guys, what we have is perfect. Right, Andy?”
“Well, Ro, it would have been better if we didn’t have this communicating engine. I wanted something open, not something from that goon, Mike Rowe.”
“People, I don’t think we have the time to argue. Why don’t you get down to work? His Royal Highness wants the moving picture by the week after next. And, if I’m not wrong, the Holy Woodians take a year to make moving pictures. Even when a battalion of them are working on it,” pointed out Priscilla.
And quite rightly.


For the next week, the Shakespeareans worked like men possessed, recording every tiny little detail of the kingdom, trying to make it look as beautiful as they possibly could. They did have slight misadventures, like when Andy’s long, flowing hair got caught in the big draw bridge, and the only way he could be freed was by cutting the hairs from their very roots. Sulky was probably an understatement when describing Andy after this unfortunate incident, brought about by none other than Enrique (hell! His name’s very long. So, from now, he’ll be known by his nick name, Enu.)
At the end of the week, they had realms and realms of pictures, which had to be sorted out and put in order. It was now that Andy (the Paranoid) realized the extent of their gigantic undertaking.
Sorting through the realms would take the better part of a week, and with people like Ross and Enu to muck things up, he was beginning to have second thoughts about the whole misadventure-in-the-making.


“Pony… Pony… Answer my call.”
Telepathy was the sole way to communicate (that is, if one doesn’t count bells).
Pony the Gray, widely regarded by many as the best expert of moving picture editing, was unavailable to be on the team due to a perennial problem – money. He too was struggling to pay his taxes, and being a man of some honor, he DID NOT want ANY help from the state.
So it was that Andy found himself trying to contact Pony to persuade him to at the very least act as consultant. But, it seems as though Pony was in serious financial muck, because e
ven his telepathetic line had been cut.
“Okay guys. Bad news. No Pony. Anyway. Let’s make a list of the things to be done. First of all, Boris, I want you to get Abode Compounds, Audiocity, Ulag Visual Studio Gold, Pin Knuckle Studio beta,…” and Andy rattled off the names of ten different editing suites, even ones which he did not know about…


  1. Rach

    January 30, 2007

    Post a Reply

    Blimey, dude!!!
    U broke the first (and only rule)- u weren’t supposed to change ANY of the stuff i’d written.
    What was all that Ulag shit??!!!

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