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Of puns regarding ‘paradise falls’

By on Mar 24, 2010 in Reviews | 2 comments

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My rating of Legion: 3 / 10
Cast: Paul Bettany, Lucas Black, Dennis Quaid, Tyrese Gibson, Adrianne Palicki
Directed by: Scott Charles Stewart
Studio: Screen Gems / Sony

Here’s Legion reviewed in one word – “laughable”.

If you insist on more words than one, then I should clarify that it isn’t a comedy movie – but that it takes itself so seriously with such a ridiculous premise that you can help but laughing.

I really feel sorry for Dennis Quaid. From The Day After Tomorrow to GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra, directors keep forgetting to tell him that the movie he’s acting in isn’t one that any sane person is going to take seriously. Dennis Quaid (with stubble) keeps on putting a heavy hand onto some young guys shoulders, stares him straight in the eye, and explains how the young guy must get out of hellhole / fix a car / wear condoms for safer sex / wear GI Joe costume at all times.

So what goes on? God has lost faith in humanity, and sends his angels to wipe humankind out. Enter Paul Bettany, an angel who fills in the role of a Terminator-type character. (He had to act in this movie because the producers didn’t have enough money to hire Arnie.) Our friendly Terminator-guy must save an unborn baby who’d become ‘the leader of the resistance’. This involves the mom and Lucas Black protecting the baby until it grows old enough to lead the resistance. Seriously God, are you kidding me? With an army of angels, you need more than a fucking decade to wipe out humankind? Guess you aren’t that omnipotent after all.

Here's an illustration of what the sane moviegoer's reaction should be to the plot. If you don't have this reaction, there's a strong possibility that you might be...Michael Bay.

The mother of the unborn baby, of course, works in a diner in the middle of nowhere (somewhere close to Los Angeles though) – with the customary no cellphone reception / payphones not working / God disconnected the landlords phone scenario. I tell you – the day USA gets 100% cellphone coverage, a whole crop of ‘enjoyable’ Hollywood movies are going to go out of business. (Although I’m sure they’ll work around that saying ‘cellphone battery’s dead’.) So you have Terminator-guy fighting angle with bulletproof wings, evil babies, and a demented ice cream man. This, in a sentence, sums up all that God could muster to kill someone he totally didn’t want born. Way to go, God. (Note – I didn’t make any of that up.)

By the way, what’s with humankind-saving children being born to waitresses around the Los Angeles area? This, surely, cannot be a coincidence?

I believe a majority of the budget allocated for this movie was used for that freakishly awesome grandma scene from the trailer from this movie.

Again, a movie that tries to be so bad that it’s good (like Snakes On A Plane), and fails at doing so. Look kids, don’t try this at home. Making a bad movie which is unintentionally takes a lot of skill. Leave it to the pros.

On the bright note, the sleazeball Sony executives didn’t shove their Sony product placement down our throat in this movie. I half expected Gabriel and those other angels to receive orders via text message on a Sony Ericsson phone while Paul Bettany played out simulations of how to defend himself against the attack on a Sony PSP. (God, of course, would’ve been keeping a close watch on the situation on a Sony Vaio laptop.)


  1. Vivek

    March 24, 2010

    Post a Reply

    Assuming that you had an option of not going for this movie. Also assuming that you had an inkling about what the movie’s plot was…why in the name of Bob did you go watch it?!

    • Ankur

      March 24, 2010

      Post a Reply

      a) I downloaded it. b) How could I not watch it, after that super-awesome grandma scene?! Thing is, that scene comes way too early in the movie and it seems they spent most of their budget on it. I didn’t know the plot ‘details’ of course when I started watching it. (I never read synopses before watching a movie. I don’t want to spoil the surprise.)

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